the clothes on my back, pt. 2

2011 is here and I ushered it in with a prodigious hangover. The best way to start a year (and a decade!), in my opinion. Well, my post ended abruptly last night so I could proceed to acquire said consequence, and I’ll continue it now with a brief bright-eyed return to gleeful naivete as I predict 2011 will bring me good fortune, great friends, and loads of fun.

I’m resisting the temptation to dwell on the problems of 2010. This results from a change in personality throughout the previous year. I had become more mellow and much less aggressive than I was in 2009 and 2008, to the extent that I believed I had hormonal imbalances but blood tests proved otherwise. The doctor said I was probably suffering from excess stress, which I suppose has alleviated, or maybe I’ve developed better coping mechanisms. I look forward to 2011 as a time to restore balance. Aggression can be very useful when implemented properly and not subject to the contradictory impulses of desire and regret. I believe that age and experience has granted me a burgeoning ability to manage myself in more effective ways than ever before. A person is not just a production of work and thoughts and beliefs. Each of us is a presentation, whose individual success(es) often hinge upon the manner of delivery. I can pursue my goals deftly; nimbly; I feel less compulsion to smash and destroy obstacles or frustrations. Now I consider that perhaps they can be diverted toward my benefit.

Of course I’m speaking abstractly, but the roots of such circumstantial jiujutsu are grounded in real, ongoing events. Most notably is my job situation. Throughout my working life, I’ve had difficulty holding jobs. I generally perform well in my function, but as my frustrations mount, usually with management, my effectiveness declines. This usually results in my removal from position. It matters little whether it’s self-imposed or via external disciplinary force because the result is the same.

This trend is largely due to my personality. If I perceive unjust criticism or a personal slight, I’ll reflexively defend my work (which I think is usually good) and my viewpoint. This is something I’ve worked to overcome, but out of necessity, I’ve done just about every line of work a non-Chinese-speaking, unspecialized western foreigner can find. I’ve decided that instead of sticking with one and doggedly running it into the ground, I will continue doing each in small amounts.

In 2011, I will work as a freelance teacher, tutor, editor, and actor. These are all fields in which I have experience; three of them provided income in the past month. As an English teacher here, you represent a school, and your skills are narrowed to the school’s educational focus. As a freelance worker, I will represent myself, and will enjoy all the fruits of my labor. Why expend energy and patience trying to navigate office politics, or compromising with management? Why sell yourself short by allowing a company that has no vested interest in your real well-being take credit for your work? I don’t blame people for looking out for themselves but it’s frustrating when their interests obstruct you from doing your work well. Whether it’s a literal or psychological distraction, whether it’s intentional or not, I simply don’t want to entertain other people’s social or workplace demands that don’t benefit me or even the company.

Which isn’t to say that I don’t like working within a team but it sucks when you can’t choose your team, or when team members don’t share your motivation, let alone your vision of success. Also, I’m still aware that I need a company to vouch for my labor in order to continue my legal residence. This is how I’ll resolve it: there are plenty of legitimate companies that provide short hours in exchange for an ARC. I’ll take a job with them, preferably teaching adults (I don’t really have the energy for kids these days). Then I’ll organize the rest of my time for freelance activity. My proverbial eggs will not sit idle and vulnerable in one basket. I will continue my tutoring work and my acting work (I call it that for lack of a better term). I will edit when opportunities arise.

I probably won’t earn as much money as I did when I had a day job and I tutored on the side. However, my income per hour worked will increase, and I’ll have more control over my hours. Also, by spending only the productive portion of my work with  colleagues and ‘clients’, I’ll minimize potential sources of friction and have plenty of time to mull away anything that gets under my skin. Basically, the less time I spend at a place, the less likely I am to get fired.

On a more philosophical note, I will be responsible for all my successes and failures; I will reap all profits, whether monetary or indirect, and pay all costs. I will be unofficially incorporating myself.

So of course my hope for 2011 is professional and personal success. I want to travel, buy nice things, and enjoy good times with people I care about. But more than that, I want to develop skills that I can take with me wherever I go later in life. I want to enable myself to provide for those special people, even if I have nothing more than the clothes on my back.